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Here we are, mere hours away from Halloween night, and the ghosts and ghouls are sure to be out in full force. More importantly though, there will be undead creatures slinking around the darkest shadows, watching and waiting, hoping to grab a bite… of YOU.
It would be immoral and irresponsible of me to let you go out unprepared to defend yourselves against such evil, my darlings. So today, I’m enrolling you all in Professor Van Helsing’s “Vampire Hunting 101” class. In this crash course you’ll learn everything you need to know about vampires: How to protect yourself, and how to kill them.
So the first thing we’re going to — PAUL! You spit out that gum this instant! This is a classroom, not the playground. And sit up straight, please. Take notes.
Now the vampire — SUINE! Feet off the desk! And MANDY Pratt, how did you sneak that black cat into this classroom, young lady? I don’t care if it is Halloween. OUT with it!
Come on, class! It’s life or death out there. This is no joke. Professor Van Helsing will tell you that vampirism is no laughing matter. If you get bitten by one you could die, or even worse, turn into a — vam — p — ire… your… self.
Ahem. FRANK. What are you doing? Mummy wrapping is down the hall, third door on the left
Now. Where were we? Oh, yes. VAMPIRES. Let’s consult the good Professor’s notes:
It is established that victims consciously detest being dominated by vampirism but are unable to relinquish the practice, similar to addiction to drugs. Ultimately death results from loss of blood. But unlike normal death, no peace manifests itself, for they enter into the fearful state of the undead.
See? You do not want to be bitten by a vampire. It’s not fun, it’s not a thrill. You. Will. Not. Like. It. You must protect yourself at all costs.
There are certain basic facts established about vampires that you should all know:
One: Light. The vampire is allergic to light. It never ventures forth in the daytime. Sunlight is fatal. Repeat, fatal. It would destroy them.
Two: Garlic. Vampires are repelled by the odour of garlic. Should you suspect the influence of a vampire, garlic flowers should be placed by the suspected victim’s door, windows, and by his or her bedside. Under no circumstances are they to be removed at night.
Three: The Crucifix. Symbolizing the power of good over evil. The power of crucifixes in these cases is two-fold: It protects the normal human being, but reveals the vampire or victim of this vile contagion when in advanced stages.
Van Helsing’s Number One Tip
The symbols of good are used to combat the forces of evil.
The crucifix (as mentioned above), the Word of God as written in the Holy Bible, and clear running water symbolizing purity can all be used to defend yourself against a vampire.
Vampires are spectral creatures. Their image casts no reflection in a mirror. Nor can the lens of a camera record their likeness. And it lives in mortal dread of silver. It can also be trapped by the hawthorn tree which provided Christ with his crown of thorns.
And finally, your best defence against the undead is a wooden stake driven through the heart. Learn where the heart is. Just an inch to one side and it could mean your very life. So aim carefully.
Alright, class dismissed! Pick up your complimentary vampire killing kit on the way out. Be vigilant, my friends. And be sure to wear your crosses.
Come,” he said, “come, we must see and act. Devils or no devils, or all the devils at once, it matters not; we fight him all the same.
And unpleasant dreams…