I know. It’s — it’s an incredible story. I, of all people, know this. And you won’t believe me. No, not at first. But I’m going to tell you the whole thing. Then, you will believe, because you must. You must believe!
It happened just a few days ago, after I purchased a cool new piece for my collection: A Mego Nosferatu figure. After picking him up at the post office, I brought him home. I removed him from his package, and promptly displayed him in my studio. But one night, I… one night, I noticed that he was gone! And so was someone else…
FADE IN and PAN DOWN to a dark and snowy NIGHT.
Sounds of howling fill the air.
Count Orlok: Hello?
Count Orlok: What do you want me to do?
Howling Man: Lift off the wooden bolt!
Count Orlok: Is this all that holds you in?
Howling Man: Yes, lift it off!
Count Orlok: Why haven’t you done it yourself?
Howling Man: Please. There’s no time for talk. Count Orlok, in the name of mercy — if you fail now, she’ll display both of us. Don’t you understand that?
Count Orlok: You’re certainly lucky that when they were making your Twilight Zone episode, director Douglas Heyes felt that the symbol of the cross was decidedly too Christian and opted for this shepherd’s crook instead. I’m just a vampire — I can help with this. But if it were a cross, you’d be screwed.
Howling Man: Hurry! Hurry!
Count Orlok: Okay, okay! It’s off!
Howling Man: Whew! Thanks, man.
Howling Man: I’ve been trapped in here for so long! Sheesh, looks like this chick hasn’t dusted in a while…
Count Orlok: Yeah, well, I’m not surprised, look down there — she’s just putting her Christmas decorations away NOW. I mean, it’s February — who does that?
Howling Man: Pft, she’s a weirdo. A few nights ago she was up until 2 am putting together a Nancy Drew puzzle and having a private Jim Croce concert. I could hear it all the way down here. After two hours straight, my ears were bleeding. Sometimes I think I was better off with Brother Jerome.
Howling Man: Anyway, I can’t thank you enough for letting me out, Count.
Count Orlok: No problem! Just being neighbourly.
Howling Man: How can I ever repay you?
Count Orlok: Well…… *I* was sitting in a warehouse somewhere, trapped in that blister pack for 2 years… I must admit to being a touch peckish…
Howling Man: Oh, you want to go get a pizza?
Count Orlok: Um… not exactly…..
Howling Man: …?
Howling Man: Wha — NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ancient folk saying: “You can catch the Devil, but you can’t hold him long.” Especially not when there’s also a vampire in the house. Dirty buggers, those devils always stick together. But remember, kids: In the end, Good always triumphs over Evil. And God always has the last laugh — especially over the Devil. Karma’s a real bi— er, um, pain. Yes, karma’s a real pain… in the neck. Sometimes literally!
But don’t worry about the outcome of our little story. I have everything under control. Count Orlok only made it halfway through dessert before I caught them. And so I’m preparing a little package at the moment. Its destination: Brother Jerome at the Hermitage, in the mountains of Eastern Europe. Right now, oh, there’s a bit of howling, but I pay no attention to that. It’s just a trick.
You know, they say that misery loves company. So I was more than happy to give him some… it’s a big cell. Well… big enough.
When I first found this Mego Nosferatu on Amazon a few months ago, I knew that if I ever got him, I’d have to pose him with my Howling Man figure and snap some fun pics. My dad made his little cell for my birthday last year after we found this nearly perfect-shaped mini-sized Staff of Truth at a thrift store the year before. The Staff in the Twilight Zone episode has a very distinctive hook shape, and this one was so similar that we bought it on the spot.
After I took these photos, I just wanted to have a bit of fun and share them. If you need to brush up on your Howling Man dialogue, you can always check out the full script on my post “The Howling Man: The Script“. I spoofed it to write this!
(Bonus points to anyone who somehow got the title, “A Vampire Rat and The Devil’s Vat”, as an alliterative riff on the Scooby Doo episode “Vampire Bats and Scaredy Cats“! Seriously, I expect zero people to get it, so if you did, huge props from me!!)